What Do I Want My Life to Look Like Now? How to Find Clarity When Everything's Changing
That question often turns up when something's changing within us or with our circumstances. Sometimes at the most ordinary times. Standing in a quiet kitchen after the kids have moved out. Sitting in the car before walking into a job that doesn't feel right anymore. Lying awake at 2am after a relationship has ended.
What do I want my life to look like now?
If you've been asking yourself that question and can't quite find the answer, you're not alone. It's one of the most common things I hear from the women I work with, and it's one of the hardest to answer on your own.
Why this question feels so hard
Change sounds simple on paper. You move from one situation to a new one. But when it's up close and personal, it comes with a lot of feelings attached. Loss, hurt, doubt and fear all show up, often at the same time.
For many women, there's something else going on too. We've spent years, sometimes decades, focused on everyone else. Our children, our partners, our workplaces, our parents. So, when life shifts, and there's suddenly space to ask what we want, we realise we haven't asked that question in a very long time.
Not knowing isn't a sign you've done something wrong. It's a sign you're ready to start paying attention to yourself again.
Clarity comes first
I work with women using a framework I call The Next Chapter. It has three parts: Clarity, Courage and Action.
They don't always happen in order. Some women go straight from Clarity to taking Action. Others already know what they want, but something is stopping them, and that's where Courage comes in.
For most women, though, Clarity is where it starts. Unless you know what you want, it's hard to take the right steps to get unstuck and move forward. You end up making decisions based on what you think you should do, or what other people expect, rather than what fits the life you want now.
The five parts of clarity
Clarity isn't one big answer that arrives out of nowhere. It's built from five smaller questions. Take your time with each one.
1. Where are you right now?
You might think you already know. But writing down where you are in life, and how you got here, often brings up things you hadn't noticed. Get it out of your head and onto paper.
2. What do you love?
Think about the times you have a smile on your face and are enjoying life. What are you doing? Who are you with? These moments are clues.
3. What are you good at?
This might be something practical, like gardening or baking. It might be the way your mind works, like being analytical or great with numbers. Or it might be how you are with people. Most of us underestimate this one.
4. What's important to you?
When you look at the things you want, ask yourself why each one matters. If the why isn't strong enough, you might not want it as much as you thought.
5. What will make you happy?
Not what would make your family happy, or what looks good from the outside. What would make you happy, in this next part of your life?
Two things that can cloud your thinking
As you work through these questions, watch out for two things.
The first is comparison. It's easy to look at friends, family or people online and measure your life against theirs. Ask yourself honestly whether that's helping or holding you back.
The second is worrying about things you can't control. Try writing down what's stressing you, then split it into two lists: what's in your control and what isn't. You'll often find you have more choice than you realised, and you can let go of some of the rest.
You don't need all the answers today
I've spent a lot of my own life working out what I loved, what mattered to me, and then finding the confidence to make it happen. What I've learnt is that clarity rarely comes all at once. It builds, from one heartfelt answer at a time.
So start small. This week, notice when you catch yourself smiling or enjoying something. Write it down. Begin a list of the things you're good at. Pay attention to your thoughts, and notice which ones are draining you.
You don't have to have it all figured out. You just need to take one step in the direction of what you think you want.
Get your free Clarity Compass workbook
If you'd like some help with that first step, I've created a free workbook called The Clarity Compass. It walks you through 10 questions to help you work out what you want your life to look like now. Set aside an hour (or break it up into 15-minute slots), find a quiet space, and give yourself the gift of some inner reflection.
Warmly,
Allison